In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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