Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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