I puked a lego.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
