i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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