i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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