Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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