I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
