I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
