The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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