I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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