the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
