I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
