The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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