Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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