Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
