he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
