Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
