The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize