i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Then you guys just all showered together...?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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