Betty ford says i'm here all night
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
