Where are you?
In a non slutty way
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You were trust falling into bushes
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
