just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
