So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
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