you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
