YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
