Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
