Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
