just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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