Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
