Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
