Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
