Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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