Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize