First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Randomize
