don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
