Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
