He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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