she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
