oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
