Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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