just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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