is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
