Four minutes until I can fart!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
