so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
