You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
