how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
