Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He did a backflip because drugs
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
