Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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