I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
