The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
