I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
