My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
