Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
