If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
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