just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
