I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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