the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
